Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I didn't shave. On purpose
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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