one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
