he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
