I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
