i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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