I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dignity is for republicans.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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