Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
