I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
