Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
