He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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