you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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