I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
