She is in my trunk
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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