I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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