i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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