dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
