i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
