1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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