No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
