man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
