if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
