if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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