just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Congratulations! We have a period
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