Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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