You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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