Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
