Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
