after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
