Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
