soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
