I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
