My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
