I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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