Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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