No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
