i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
