I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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