he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
