my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
