Tell her she can't have a vagina
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
