Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
