he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
