wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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