Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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