false alarm. still invincible.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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