I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
