Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
