Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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