dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
