yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
