you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
