I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
