She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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